I’ve been haunted by a broken heart for the past 6 years. When people ask me why I’m still single, my mind would revert to the night my heart was crushed. A lot of guys have actually asked me out but nobody seemed to be good enough for me. Sometimes I’d find myself digging up the most reasonable excuse why I can’t go out with them but most of them, if not, all, even became more persistent in pursuing me which annoyed me even more until I tell them point blank, “Stop it! The answer is NO!”. Then they’d disappear right away.
I rejected a lot of people because I couldn’t trust anybody anymore. I chose to keep to myself because I couldn’t tell my friends how I lost my decisiveness to one stupid mistake which could’ve been avoided. I struggled alone in this emotional battle because I had pride. I chose to handle everything myself and it only scarred me.
Since then, I’ve been living in the past.
Today, a friend told me, “You can never undo the past. You can either forget about it or forgive yourself so you can live the present”.
Forgive myself. These powerful words creep through my veins that I slump with disbelief because I realized that after all these years that I thought he was to blame for my misery somehow didn’t sound right anymore. Did I just waste all those tears when I cried myself to sleep? All those bottle of wines and beers I downed to help me sleep at night? All opportunities I missed because I lost my self-confidence and self-esteem? All those moments I could’ve enjoyed with friends but couldn’t because it was he who I can only think of? All those times when I thought I couldn’t make it through the day because my world revolved around him? Darn it! It all depended on me.
But still, a question lingers…How can I forgive myself?
Things are much easier said than done. Believe me when I say though that I do want to forget about it but how can I just do that when everything I see keeps me reminded of him? When I switch on the television, I’d see movies about love stories. When I go to the mall, I’d see couples everywhere. When I turn on the radio, it would play our songs. When I eat at a restaurant, I’d be reminded of his favorite foods.
I’ve been contemplating of traveling alone. Embark on a journey to a place where I hope I can find answers to my questions. This, hopefully, could help me recover and find myself because I can’t give up. It will never been easy but I will traverse from misery to bliss. Like a caterpillar, I will metamorphose to a butterfly with colorful wings of hope that could take me anywhere as I please to see the world in a whole new perspective. I will create a garden of flowers so I can share to those who also seek themselves that there’s still beauty in this world. I will flutter away from despair and hopelessness. I will find my paradise through prayer and faith.
I encountered this quote from Paulo Coelho: “Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.”
Indeed! I’m not a miserable, desolate, self-pitying 30 something because I had one experience of heartbreak. I am a beautiful, confident, smart woman, a delicate butterfly that symbolizes hope and resilience, worthy of love and respect, and one who will bring beauty to the world and conquers!
I am a butterfly!