This blog contains nightingale's innermost thoughts and emotions about joy & sorrow, loyalty & betrayal, hope & despair, faith & doubt, and most of all, about love & loss.

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When you’re left unheard
Silence gets you scared

When you lose your way
You lose a chance when you delay

When you’re forbidden to speak
Words you cannot even seek

When you’re feeling choked
No use of being stoked

When you’re being passive
You can be branded naive

When you’re always there
You’re pushed away further

When you’re hurting
No one would be noticing

When you’re feeling the rage
Then you’re not sage

When you’re taking your last breath
Some move away in stealth

When you speak your mind
By yourself, alone you’ll find

When you try to heed
A lot of emotions to feed

When you’ve finally taken courage
Some react in rampage

When you’re misunderstood
Nobody would find any good


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Things I Could Do

If my hands weren’t tied
I could hold tight
If my eyes weren’t covered
I could see light

If my wings weren’t clipped
I could have been free
If my mouth weren’t gagged
I could have given my plea

If my options weren’t limited
I could have had a choice
If I were given the chance to be heard
I could have let him hear my voice

If my opinions were valued
I could have given more
If my thoughts were worth it
I could more than just adore

If I were to speak
I could make him understand
If I were to act
I could make it grand

If I were to show how I feel
I could make him fall at awe
If I were to care
I could create without a flaw

If I were to love
I could’ve moved mountains
If I were only understood
I could’ve grown gardens

But I do love him
How could I let him know?
Every tear he’s worth it all
Don’t care I’ve fallen woe

If he’d only let me do all these
Not even a dragon could stop me
Its rage doesn’t scare at all
I’m unafraid to no degree

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You Can Never Undo Your Past…Be a Butterfly

I’ve been haunted by a broken heart for the past 6 years. When people ask me why I’m still single, my mind would revert to the night my heart was crushed. A lot of guys have actually asked me out but nobody seemed to be good enough for me. Sometimes I’d find myself digging up the most reasonable excuse why I can’t go out with them but most of them, if not, all, even became more persistent in pursuing me which annoyed me even more until I tell them point blank, “Stop it! The answer is NO!”. Then they’d disappear right away.

I rejected a lot of people because I couldn’t trust anybody anymore. I chose to keep to myself because I couldn’t tell my friends how I lost my decisiveness to one stupid mistake which could’ve been avoided. I struggled alone in this emotional battle because I had pride. I chose to handle everything myself and it only scarred me.

Since then, I’ve been living in the past.

Today, a friend told me, “You can never undo the past. You can either forget about it or forgive yourself so you can live the present”.

Forgive myself. These powerful words creep through my veins that I slump with disbelief because I realized that after all these years that I thought he was to blame for my misery somehow didn’t sound right anymore. Did I just waste all those tears when I cried myself to sleep? All those bottle of wines and beers I downed to help me sleep at night? All opportunities I missed because I lost my self-confidence and self-esteem? All those moments I could’ve enjoyed with friends but couldn’t because it was he who I can only think of? All those times when I thought I couldn’t make it through the day because my world revolved around him? Darn it! It all depended on me.

But still, a question lingers…How can I forgive myself?

Things are much easier said than done. Believe me when I say though that I do want to forget about it but how can I just do that when everything I see keeps me reminded of him? When I switch on the television, I’d see movies about love stories. When I go to the mall, I’d see couples everywhere. When I turn on the radio, it would play our songs. When I eat at a restaurant, I’d be reminded of his favorite foods.

I’ve been contemplating of traveling alone. Embark on a journey to a place where I hope I can find answers to my questions. This, hopefully, could help me recover and find myself because I can’t give up. It will never been easy but I will traverse from misery to bliss. Like a caterpillar, I will metamorphose to a butterfly with colorful wings of hope that could take me anywhere as I please to see the world in a whole new perspective. I will create a garden of flowers so I can share to those who also seek themselves that there’s still beauty in this world. I will flutter away from despair and hopelessness. I will find my paradise through prayer and faith.

I encountered this quote from Paulo Coelho: “Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.”

Indeed! I’m not a miserable, desolate, self-pitying 30 something because I had one experience of heartbreak. I am a beautiful, confident, smart woman, a delicate butterfly that symbolizes hope and resilience, worthy of love and respect, and one who will bring beauty to the world and conquers!

I am a butterfly!

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Battling Hopelessness

I woke up today with a familiar feeling. A feeling that I have been denying myself for the past 6 years – lonely.

I’m not the type who likes to blabber about how bad my day went, or how I got irritated when a person in front of me in a line took forever to order just one drink, or how hurt I was when someone I deeply care about used me. I choose not to speak ill of anyone. I only cry. That’s my coping mechanism.

Everyday I wake up being reminded that I’m alone by the kempt pillows on the empty side of my bed, that they are as kempt as the day before and the day before that. I struggle everyday to keep myself in high spirits, saying “I’m strong, don’t backdown, don’t give up!”, but the littlest light of hope that I have left wanes everyday too. It’s as if, if I use one positive energy of my body, it never regenerates. That my powerbank is gradually being used up in a slow, agonizing way that’s eating me up on the inside crushing my lungs first making it harder to breathe then makes its way to my heart, mercilessly bleeding me out until my eyes water and overflows flooding my own world, and then finds its ways to my knees, brutally crippling me until i can stand no more.

Unwanted. Worthless. Empty. Nothing.

Strong. Worthy. Hope. Patience is key.

I battle with these everyday. I’ve been hurt before that it almost cost me my life, and it’s happening all over again. I can’t handle anymore of these. I’m not strong enough. I thought I was, but I can’t hold on anymore. I want to give up. I’m letting go. I want to burrow myself deep in a ravine of despair where nobody can find me. This is me when I’m alone.

But then…

I came across a video of a 3-year old girl who had her uncle cut her hair because she wanted to give it to kids who don’t have hair (she was talking about children who are sick). She was so cute that my heart sank with shame. Here, a little girl who can barely pronounce English words properly, who cannot even comb her hair without help, or who might even still be in diapers thought about helping out others while I, in my 30s, am sulking senselessly in self-pity just because I had my heart broken.

How can I be so self-centered? How can I only think of myself when others out there are in a constant battle with diseases just to live a minute more of their lives because hope accounts for everything? Yet I want to waste mine in solitude.

I turned to God today. I asked Him for forgiveness – for just thinking about me, myself and I. I asked Him for strength too to help me go through all these, to never easily give up on trials, and to not allow me to crimp my faith in Him.

Everyday is a constant battle for me too but with myself. God please help me!