This blog contains nightingale's innermost thoughts and emotions about joy & sorrow, loyalty & betrayal, hope & despair, faith & doubt, and most of all, about love & loss.

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Getting-Out-Of-The-Box (Special Baking)

I’m usually apprehensive about getting out of my comfort zone and even if I say that I’m a risk-taker, don’t believe me just yet because it means that I’ve already calculated the risks.

You’d never find me first in line to rappel a steep cliff until someone’s tried out the ropes first, or enter a horror house until I find myself a human shield, or get in the pool until I’m certain I’ve located the five feet and below zone, or cook for my friends and guests until I’ve tried the recipe myself at least once. Playing it safe is my game.

But I recently amused myself when I tried out something for the first time for somebody whom I barely know the likes, dislikes, food preferences, pet peeves, etc. It was quite scary but thrilling and exciting at the same time when I prepared Caramel-filled Molten Chocolate Cake and Mini Snickers Cheesecake trying to impress that person. I must admit though that it was myself whom I impressed the most for doing something like this although I did have a taste-test before serving them, I had no fallback in case they were a failure. Not even a phone number of restaurants and which one to call. And besides, there wouldn’t be anyone to call if the desserts are to be served at 10PM except for McDonald’s 24-hour delivery and I doubt if they do delivery for sundae ice cream.  I just kept crossing my fingers the whole time they were in the oven.

As a result, he liked them! The downside though, we both felt guilty after downing a few servings but it’s an accomplishment nevertheless. I should definitely be getting-out-of-my-box more often from now on and you should too! Who knows what you can do? It’s a good feeling when somebody appreciates your work.

I’ve posted some photos and links to the recipes so you can try it yourself.  Go ahead, do some special baking for someone and get-out-of-your-box!

Oh, and one more thing, I’m not really a baker to begin with.


Disclaimer: I don’t own these recipes.  I also don’t own the top picture but the one at the bottom is my actual work.



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Battling Hopelessness

I woke up today with a familiar feeling. A feeling that I have been denying myself for the past 6 years – lonely.

I’m not the type who likes to blabber about how bad my day went, or how I got irritated when a person in front of me in a line took forever to order just one drink, or how hurt I was when someone I deeply care about used me. I choose not to speak ill of anyone. I only cry. That’s my coping mechanism.

Everyday I wake up being reminded that I’m alone by the kempt pillows on the empty side of my bed, that they are as kempt as the day before and the day before that. I struggle everyday to keep myself in high spirits, saying “I’m strong, don’t backdown, don’t give up!”, but the littlest light of hope that I have left wanes everyday too. It’s as if, if I use one positive energy of my body, it never regenerates. That my powerbank is gradually being used up in a slow, agonizing way that’s eating me up on the inside crushing my lungs first making it harder to breathe then makes its way to my heart, mercilessly bleeding me out until my eyes water and overflows flooding my own world, and then finds its ways to my knees, brutally crippling me until i can stand no more.

Unwanted. Worthless. Empty. Nothing.

Strong. Worthy. Hope. Patience is key.

I battle with these everyday. I’ve been hurt before that it almost cost me my life, and it’s happening all over again. I can’t handle anymore of these. I’m not strong enough. I thought I was, but I can’t hold on anymore. I want to give up. I’m letting go. I want to burrow myself deep in a ravine of despair where nobody can find me. This is me when I’m alone.

But then…

I came across a video of a 3-year old girl who had her uncle cut her hair because she wanted to give it to kids who don’t have hair (she was talking about children who are sick). She was so cute that my heart sank with shame. Here, a little girl who can barely pronounce English words properly, who cannot even comb her hair without help, or who might even still be in diapers thought about helping out others while I, in my 30s, am sulking senselessly in self-pity just because I had my heart broken.

How can I be so self-centered? How can I only think of myself when others out there are in a constant battle with diseases just to live a minute more of their lives because hope accounts for everything? Yet I want to waste mine in solitude.

I turned to God today. I asked Him for forgiveness – for just thinking about me, myself and I. I asked Him for strength too to help me go through all these, to never easily give up on trials, and to not allow me to crimp my faith in Him.

Everyday is a constant battle for me too but with myself. God please help me!